No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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