do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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