i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
