my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize