I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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