She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
