i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
