I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
