Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
even my farts smell like vagina
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
