i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
