she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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