Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I stole a fireplace last night.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My penis needs a shock collar
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
