probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
