2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
We're not piercing ourselves today.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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