I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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