Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
