meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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