So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
