Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Randomize
