i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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