There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
