Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize