Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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