I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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