Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
