He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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