apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
