I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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