I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
