Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
