And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
