i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
