2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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