he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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