were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
