One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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