When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
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