I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
