just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
