my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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