I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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