when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Oh god it's open bar.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
