I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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