The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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