Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
