You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
