It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
