Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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