I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
