hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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