I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
