I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize