I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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