You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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