I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize