she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Less talking, more tequila
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
