he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
