Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
even my farts smell like vagina
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
