so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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