I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
3 2 1 whiskey
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
