She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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