fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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