I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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