does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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